i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
