Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Shame - the story of my life.
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