i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
