Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
