Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
