why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
