He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
