I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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