Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
