My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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