He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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