So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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