24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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