What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
