I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
