While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
