Christians are straight up FREAKS
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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