last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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