Dude my mom stole all your condoms
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
