I want to walk on stilts...naked
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
