forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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