Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
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We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.