next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜