I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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