I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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