I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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