why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
