Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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