you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
