grandma shit on top of the toilet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
