i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
