Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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