You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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