im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
