New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
