Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
