pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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