Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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