Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
