Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
