you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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