i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
