I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
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My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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