I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
