420 ftw
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
