I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
