Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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