Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
