the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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