I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
