I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
