i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
