Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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