That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
