I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
