My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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