I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
