feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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