the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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